"This shirt may not be clean, but I am!"

Bert: Hey there Baylor student.
Me: Hi, how are you? I love that shirt!
Bert's Shirt: "This shirt may not be clean, but I am!"
Bert: You know, we got a trophy for this shirt.
Me: A trophy for shirt design?
Bert: There was this volleyball tournament, our team was awful, but they gave us a trophy for our style. A little hispanic lady from the women and children's house played, she was tiny but ferocious. We named her MVP and gave her a trophy too. Another woman had to go in an ambulance when she broke her ankle. If we get a team together this year, I think we'd be pretty damn good.
Me: I'll play if I get a shirt.
Bert: [laughs] Sorry, no staff allowed.

Lake Waco at sunset... beauty in madness.

And another day in Waco draws to a close, as good a day as any and a bolster to the idea that someday I'll feel competent at delivering therapeutic services. I saw my first individual client today... a boisterous young woman with kind eyes that seem to tell the truth even when she won't or can't. She regaled me with a tale of persecution over an offense she'd been accused of over the weekend, "I'm so angry, I got in trouble and I didn't even do it!" The eyes gave it away and out of nowhere, "Okay, I did it. It's been eating at me all weekend. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. Why do I always lie?"

An important aspect of helping people is trusting that people actually know how to help themselves, or sometimes need only to have another person give them permission to help themselves. This has taken me a long time to realize, and even longer to begin to implement in my interactions with people. I had a choice: give her the answer, or give her the ability to choose. As much as I wanted to deliver the righteous message of honesty, I forced myself to take a "free will" approach.

"What kind of person do you want to be?"

Trustworthy, respectful, a leader.

"The decision is yours..."

Of course there was more to it than that, a careful mapping of the pros and cons of confession, a pros and cons of keeping the transgression secret. But ultimately, it was her choice to make. Choose to grow, or choose to run. When the door clicked shut and I was alone again I was absolutely convinced she'd keep the secret. Those eyes, still kind, rolled back as I insisted she take the pros and cons lists and "think it over." Nope, she's not ready.

Working in behavior change, and addictions in particular, counselors love to assume the role of the psychic. Turns out, we're usually incorrect. That's the difficulty in working with people... we only know what they share, but never truly share in what they know.

Group rolled around, a fairly lively exchange of ideas. What makes a person supportive? What does it feel like to ask for help? Does anyone need help right now? She raised her hand, then buried her face in it... "This is really, really hard for me."

Confession.
Feedback.
Growth.

A reminder that we're (most of us) motivated to make our lives better, even in the face of pain and embarrassment. A reminder that even when life has beaten a person down, there's usually a kernel of hope buried deep inside that, when given permission to "pop", can result in something delicious and unexpected.

People frustrate the hell out of me, but boy do I love 'em. Clean shirt or otherwise.

Ready, Set, Busy!

Good news: I'm employed! Since leaving detox I've been haunted by the feeling that I'm not really contributing to society, though I'm confident that I've been contributing to fun-iety. That is to say that a good chunk of my time has been spent getting to know my new surroundings and the people I'll be spending the next chunk of time with. This has included a variety of activities intended to build relationships (at least that's how I'm justifying my downtime), including:

• Rupong... it's running ping pong, and it's no less than pure awesomeness.
• Racquetball... well, Crystal and I smacking a blue ball in a small white room.
• Buying fireworks in a warehouse in the middle of a field (Did you know it's against Texas state law to buy fireworks without using a shopping cart? Neither did I.)
• Watching the Waco city fireworks with the largest group of inappropriately dressed locals ever. Really. Ever.
  
• Watching UFC with Alexis and her Iraqi war veteran friends.
• Wild western dancing.
• Starting the "Bucket List" with Kara of Texas adventures we must have in the next 4 years.
  
• Losing at Rummy, Apples to Apples, and Taboo.
• Learning to sidearm a frisbee... then subsequently making Shehzad run for the frisbee for an hour.
• Accepting membership in the "Turtles"... I'm Raphael and I have the coolest weapon ever- the sai.
• Accepting another new nickname: Munchkin.
• Pool... lots of pool. And I'm still not good.
• Biking the "guns and pawns" route that is my neighborhood while pondering joining the Waco Bicycle Club.
  
• Establishing a new epicurean adventure plan: Every Wednesday "Gyna the GPS" will lead Shehzad and I to a new Waco dining experience. Today was Pei Wei Day! Hooray!

Waco Works!

But in all honesty, I'm thrilled to be back in the world of substance abuse counseling. Sitting in on groups today my mind began swirling with ideas, plans to bring new concepts to my work setting, and a renewed passion and respect for all that I've learned and am yet to learn from my peers and clients.

Today, in an effort to non-threateningly discuss adaptation in a group of 20 addicts and alcoholics, I decided to solicit advice about my own transition. So I told them: "I just moved here from Colorado, and I've gotta say... Texas is a lot different." Laughter and nodding, and then wonderful feedback. It was directed at me, but really it was directed by and to the group. "Put yourself out there and get involved." "Don't pre-judge and be open minded." "Let go of your pride about how things were done where you come from." "Be patient." Words about moving between Colorado and Texas, words about moving, words about being confronted with new situations, words about being confronted with new feelings- their wisdom was all of these things. It reminded me how much I can learn from any person, and also why I've pursued this transition to really participate in the learning process.

I've been thinking about running. Are my clients running away from using or toward recovery? Am I running away or toward? For a long time it seemed all I knew how to do was run away. Run away from life, from problems, from new things, from bad feelings. I still catch myself running away, but more and more I want to be the kind of person who runs toward life, toward growth, toward new situations, toward the things that terrify me. I've been running almost every day. I don't know if it's the altitude, or the sweltering heat, or the abundance of downtime, but it seems to get easier every day.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go for a run.

"Out of the silver heat mirage he ran. The sky burned, and under him the paving was a black mirror reflecting sun-fire. Sweat sprayed his skin with each foot strike so that he ran in a hot mist of his own creation. With each slap on the softened asphalt, his soles absorbed heat that rose through his arches and ankles and the stems of his shins. It was a carnival of pain, but he loved each stride because running distilled him to his essence and the heat hastened this distillation."

- James Tabor, from "The Runner"