Next week is a busy week, which is a good word to describe me the last 2 years. Yes, it was 2 years ago that I was going through the grad school interview process and it's funny to look back now and think, "If only I had known," when I drove into Waco that very first time. Next week is, in addition to interviews, my birthday, a psychopathology midterm, my friend Destiny's wedding, and the beginning of my trip to backpack the Grand Canyon. Haha, and that's only the stuff I don't normally do in a week.
My friend was telling me what it was like to grow up in Haiti and he shared that people there have such little hope for improving their lot in life, or rather little opportunity, that they would think nothing of spending an entire afternoon on the porch... tossing rocks into a cup. We, on the other hand, are nagged by this constant pressure to do, achieve, be. Don't get me wrong, I've never craved an afternoon of rock throwing, but it certainly highlights an important aspect of American culture. When you're presented with unlimited opportunity and an abundance of resources it feels as though doing nothing is almost neglectful. I'm still debating this issue in my own head, as I clearly have a hard time regulating my own activity level.
One point that I seem to continually come to, however, is my desire to live a balanced life. In doing so I'm dedicating myself not only to success in my profession but also success in my personal life and relationships. Herein lies the difficulty... I rarely feel like I'm able to devote the time and effort I wish I could to those relationships. Unless of course I pick up a meth habit, there just aren't enough hours in the day! So I made a conscious choice in recent months to try to focus on being a good friend and nurture the relationships I already have as priority over creating lots of new, superficial relationships. It's funny, in shifting my focus I've actually made some new connections and strengthened ones that were superficial to begin with. I still feel like I don't do enough, or call enough, or reach out enough... but it's a process. I would formally like to apologize to Signe, Fitzi, Jen, and Jack who are all currently awaiting a returned call- sorry peeps!
For the most part, I feel good about what I'm doing. I am seeing some amazing progress with my clients and I feel so much more comfortable as a therapist. In fact, I actually feel like I know what I'm doing now and it's been such a bizarre transition! Shehzad and I have this conversation frequently in which we secretly (to one another) marvel at our own development and the sense that we're playing an important part in helping our clients to ease their pain and create change. That and I've started working with my first child client doing play therapy. It's such a shift to go from exploring a client's experience of bipolar disorder to playing in the sand and singing "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands" in the span of 15 minutes. What can I say, I love my job.
But back to interviews. Tomorrow and in the coming weeks there will be plenty of people in stark black suits nervously wandering by my office door. Behind that door lies secrets, tears, anxieties, caramel Nips that I can't seem to keep myself from eating, books with lots of unnecessarily fancy words, and a burned out light that my client with OCD continually brings to my attention (I'm working out how to use it therapeutically as something he can't control and make "perfect," haha). Will those nervous, conservatively-dressed young'uns know what awaits them? Would they want it if they did? There's so much that I don't discuss in my writing about grad school that is less attractive than the personal growth I tend to spotlight. Would I make the same decision if I had known what was in store?
I think I would. For all the frustrations, I have learned an incredible amount about myself and humanity. I have gained some incredible relationships in the meanwhile, and no matter if those relationships last another week or a lifetime they have served a purpose and hold a place in my mind and heart. Crystal mentioned that she has to continually remind herself of this point, and for me I wonder if it's something that's even harder for my brain to consolidate having as my model many friendships that HAVE lasted a long time.
I'm missing the first day of interviews so that I can spend time trying to develop my relationship with a new friend in Dallas. You can't do it all, I suppose... there just aren't enough hours in the day.
Oh yeah! And I got half my thyroid removed... but that's a story for another entry.
