I kind of fell off the blogging wagon since moving to Texas, but after six months in my little corner of crazy I feel compelled to reflect a bit on the experience before it comes full circle with my return home in a week.
So, it's Wednesday again. Wednesdays are my rough days... they usually begin at 9am with me leading a hodge podge of substance abusing women in group therapy. To be honest, sometimes it's them that lead me, but that's the process. Throw in a couple of individual therapy sessions at the men's house, some B.S.ing with Shehzad over lunch, five hours of neuropsych testing, and I find myself collapsing on the couch at 11pm. Even though I'm exhausted, I end the day knowing I did something. That's really important to me... to know that my efforts at the end of the day served a purpose greater than just my own enjoyment. And strangely, I gain a sense of enjoyment from knowing I met that goal. Selfish selflessness at its finest, I suppose.
27 growing women
+ 2 hours
+ 6 criers
+ 3 apologies
+ 2 hugs
+ a sleeping pregnant woman
+ a touch of psychosis
+ a slew of denial
+ "Miss Laura"
________________
My Wednesday Morning
+ 2 hours
+ 6 criers
+ 3 apologies
+ 2 hugs
+ a sleeping pregnant woman
+ a touch of psychosis
+ a slew of denial
+ "Miss Laura"
________________
My Wednesday Morning
Something changed over the last few weeks. I stopped feeling like a stranger in a strange land. I started feeling confident, truly capable, in the work that I'm doing. I won't lie, it feels fantastic despite the exhaustion. I don't think I've ever been this unrelentingly active in my entire life, and frankly I had a twinge of regret for some of the opportunities I've missed by sitting back in life. I've changed a lot, not just in the past six months, but in the past few years. I feel like I'm closer to the person I wanted to be as a little girl imagining her life in the future, though none of the realities of my life are close to those long ago visions.
At this age I pictured myself married, living in a quaint and beautiful town, working in a professional job, thinking about children, spending time with funny and caring friends, buying a house... basically I pictured myself as a "cooler" version of my own mother. The reality is that I'm not married much less anywhere near motherhood, I'm living in Waco (heart of Bible-belt) Texas, I'm a student who shuffles between other peoples' offices to see clients who would have scared me as a child, I'm living alone in an apartment, and I'm spending time with funny and caring friends. All in all, it's nothing like my vision of who I wanted to be. Inside my head, when I allow myself to see it, it's even better than my vision of who I wanted to be. That "perfect" life I'd envisioned is so BORING! That life wouldn't have been challenging or forced me to learn... it might have been nice but it's so expected... and I expect more of myself than that.
So next week I'll be back in Colorado and likely conflicted about my role as a visitor at home. What a strange concept, to be a visitor in your own home. What a strange concept to believe that home lies in any particular place, or time, or people. Tomorrow is Shefrischmakwanzaka... the holiday celebration of my Waco family in my Waco home. I could explain the name, but it would require more backstory than I have the energy for right now. Suffice it to say, home is one of those concepts I've thought a lot about lately and to steal the sentiment of Maya Angelou,
At this age I pictured myself married, living in a quaint and beautiful town, working in a professional job, thinking about children, spending time with funny and caring friends, buying a house... basically I pictured myself as a "cooler" version of my own mother. The reality is that I'm not married much less anywhere near motherhood, I'm living in Waco (heart of Bible-belt) Texas, I'm a student who shuffles between other peoples' offices to see clients who would have scared me as a child, I'm living alone in an apartment, and I'm spending time with funny and caring friends. All in all, it's nothing like my vision of who I wanted to be. Inside my head, when I allow myself to see it, it's even better than my vision of who I wanted to be. That "perfect" life I'd envisioned is so BORING! That life wouldn't have been challenging or forced me to learn... it might have been nice but it's so expected... and I expect more of myself than that.
So next week I'll be back in Colorado and likely conflicted about my role as a visitor at home. What a strange concept, to be a visitor in your own home. What a strange concept to believe that home lies in any particular place, or time, or people. Tomorrow is Shefrischmakwanzaka... the holiday celebration of my Waco family in my Waco home. I could explain the name, but it would require more backstory than I have the energy for right now. Suffice it to say, home is one of those concepts I've thought a lot about lately and to steal the sentiment of Maya Angelou,
"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself."
Dammit, I started writing too late... now it's Thursday again. :)
These people say, "Thumbs up for Wednesdays!"
These people say, "Thumbs up for Wednesdays!"
1 comment:
Hi! Are you still in Waco? Boulder happens to be one of my favorite spring break places to visit. I want to discuss psychology work over coffee with you. I am very interested in mental health for adolescents.
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